If anyone has had a roller coaster one month , it has to be me . I know , I know . We all have different battles we fight every single day and I guess it’s just how life is , right? But this life can take a big stone and throw it at you without any remorse . It can pick up a whole load of battles and send them your way without a signal .
I know it’s very weird that I have left you hanging around this website with absolutely nothing for over six months and then I show up with my problems . I intentionally stayed away from writing here because , well , I am writing somewhere else. I don’t want to give all the disclaimers because I believe in showing results and maybe the process later . That makes sense , right? I hope so . To be honest , apart from throwing all my creativity at something else , I have definitely struggled with , you know , everything .
It’s been quite a difficult one month as I have mentioned earlier . I turned a year older last month and unlike all my other birthdays , I decided to break down my entire life and analyze where I am , where I am heading to …etc ..etc ..quantitative analysis ? Yeah , something like that . It completely tore me apart in some way . Negatively ? No . In what I can look back at and say , that was something I needed. Imposter syndrome had been creeping into my system at a higher speed than it had been earlier . Yeah , I have struggled with imposter syndrome for the majority of my adult life .God and I are working on it , though . We are .
Can anyone label imposter syndrome as a mental disorder because to me , it is . Anything that affects our mental health should be in that space . I’m writing this for you to see that well , Moses is just human .Yeah I mean it . I’m human . I struggle with anxiety here and there , trying to figure out what next for me and wanting full control of my life instead of letting God do that for me . Work in progress ? Yes . That’s definitely me . Perfect ?No .
I’m also writing this as I struggle with the death of Patrick . Patrick had cancer and it had reached stage four . He had struggled with finances because as you know , cancer is expensive , so he came to the station requesting for any kind of help. The best way that we could help him was letting him share his story with our audience with a hope that he would get something out of that .
If you’ve read my previous articles , you know that I had a heart condition that kept me under medication from childhood till the end of my teenage hood . That is why I form strong emotional bonds with people who have been or are in a journey with any medical condition. I don’t know how it comes but it’s the most natural thing ever in my life. While I struggle with social anxiety so meeting new people is a big homework for me , it’s different when I encounter these special souls . I get reminded of my own journey and well , I just feel alive .Surrounded by people whose journeys resonate with me .That was the same with Patrick . We became friends from the first time I called him to his final breathe.
“Do it for my him/her . Heal him/her , that they may believe there is hope . You did it for me and God , I know you can do it for him / her.” This has been my prayer every time I see medical appeals on social media and it was the same for my friend Patrick . I have never scrolled past any poster that has a sick person requesting help to get further treatment . Never . I stay there and remind God that He did it for me and He can do it for the lovely lady / gentleman .
You see , we postponed that interview for almost two months because he was in and out of hospital . I once called him when he had just come out of a tough chemo session and we had such a nice conversation. He had such an amazing faith . He , more than anyone else , knew what that stage meant for him but that never stopped him from believing . He knew what was at stake but his faith kept growing in that same painful space . He said to me “It’s expensive , it’s painful , but I my hope is in Jesus . I am resting on Him “. That was Patrick . He sounded so dull , in so much pain , his voice fading way , but his faith in God felt so brightly .
We finally recorded something a month ago as he was feeling a little bit better . He came to the studio with his sister and his friend who was helping him move around because Patrick could not walk. By the time he passed away , he had lost his ability to walk. Those forty minutes we spent together recording his story will remain in my heart forever . I could see the pain in his eyes . His vulnerability was beyond what I ever imagined . Ultimately , his faith stood above every dark spot of fear . He believed that God could do it for him . But even if did not , Patrick was okay with it . He moved with the conviction that Shadrach , Meshach and Abednego had in the Bible . The kind of faith that knows both sides of a situation . That God can do it and if He does , well , we will rejoice and continue worshiping him . If he does not , well , He remains to be God and we will worship and serve him even more .
I have struggled with my health physically , emotionally and Patrick leaving was the last thing I expected . But all the same , even in this season , God remains to be God . I am learning so much from Him . He is teaching me how to find him in every season of life because He is always there . Whether we are up in the mountain or deep in the valley like right now ,He is there. My favorite song Another in the fire has never made so much sense until now . We breathe whether or not we realize it and that is how God is always watching over us . We sometimes never see that . That He is right in the middle of every chaos.
I don’t know what you are struggling with but what I know is that there is definitely something that cracks you up sometimes . I hope you find peace through it and may you find Him in the chaos because just like the three men in the Bible , there will always be a fourth man standing right next to you . All of us . Whatever journey we have to take in order to have the kind of faith that my friend Patrick had , we need to take it . Whatever mountain I will have to climb , I will climb . Because he has left something that will lay deep within me for the rest of my life .
Yeah , I know it’s such a sad article . But that is the season I am in . I am learning to write down my thoughts , as raw as they are , and it helps a lot . A journal can help you change your perspective on prayer like me . I’m now learning to allow God to be God . As much as I would love him to do what I expect him to do , his will can be different and it doesn’t mean he hates me or doesn’t want to do it .
Anyway , here is a song that I am listening to and you should too . I hope it encourages you